Castle Walls

It's so hard for me to let people in...I'm so closed.  I don't like talking about myself or letting people into my personal life. Even those that I consider my closest friends don't know much about me.  I put up so many walls, masking my fear with sarcasm and humor.  I have one friend who is really trying to get to know me.  He asks every question under the sun and I always counter with something deflecting the answer.  I appreciate his persistence, though I question his motives.  What is it that he really wants from me.  Why is it that he wants to know so much.  Is he just nosy? Does he think I'm some psychology project...what is he trying to prove?  Is he just into people? If so why me.  I know I shouldn't be so cynical but I have to question people's intentions.

I really want to try to open up and let people in.  It would be hard to be in any substantial relationship without doing so but that just leaves you open to vulnerability...I hate feeling vulnerable. I think I'm too much of a controlling person and won't let life happen.  I have to have everything planned out, always anticipating what will happen next to avoid any disorder.  I let my fears get in the way of a lot of things.  I've come to learn that life without fear is true happiness...the hard part is ridding your life of fear.  We all have it, some more than others.  If only I could release my fears, all of my inhibitions and escape from this box that I'm in.  People remain in their comfort zones and the irony is that they're not comfortable at all because they're always wondering "what if".  I'm really trying to get over that.  Perhaps this is something I should work on this coming year.  No more "what if's" because you never know until you actually DO!